Aug 272012
 
pedestal

This is one of the best posts I’ve ever seen in /r/seduction. The user reflects on his own approval seeking behavior and realizes why it was so unattractive.

Copy & pasted here:

This lesson has not only improved my relationships with other women, but has also taught me to act with conviction in all that I do. I learned this lesson through one experience in particular that I wanted to share with the community.

It was a week before my 18th birthday and I remember wanting nothing more than to spend the day with ‘L’. She was a wonderful girl that I had been seeing for the past two months. We had amazing chemistry and things had really heated up after we went to prom together.

Looking to keep the momentum, I was eager to spend my 18th with her and ask her to be my girlfriend shortly afterwards. We were talking about my birthday via text and this is what followed:

  • Her: What are you doing for your birthday?
  • Me: As long as you’re there, it really doesn’t matter :) What do you want to do?
  • Her: I don’t really know…I’m not sure if I’m free on your actual birthday either, sorry
  • Me: That’s totally fine, I can just do something with my family and set aside a date that works better for you. What days are you free next week?
  • Her: Not too sure yet, but I’ll get back to you once I get my dance schedule
  • Me: Ok, sounds good! Let me know!

Later in the week, we agreed to meet up the day after my birthday. That day, she flakes on me, claiming that she read her schedule wrong and had dance class the whole afternoon. I was obviously distraught. Awkwardness ensued and we never spoke a word to each other again.

I spent the rest of that summer frustrated, trying to make sense of how she had left so suddenly. I thought of the following reasons:

  1. Maybe she’s seeing another guy.
  2. She’s been really involved in dance lately and that’s her priority right now.
  3. She probably just isn’t into celebrating birthdays. She was never enthusiastic when I tried to plan with her.
  4. There must be an issue in her family/friends/personal life that made her cancel on me last minute.
  5. Maybe it’s that time of month?

Never did I consider that the reason she didn’t spend my 18th birthday with me was the fact that I had effectively cut off my balls during the ‘planning process’, leaving her disgusted that she was involved with a sorry excuse for a man.

My problem with L was that I constantly sought her approval for all that I did and worse, refused to believe I did until she was long gone. Looking back, if I had simply said:

  • Her: What are you doing for your birthday?
  • Me: Heading out to SixFlags. I’m getting a group together this week. You in?

I guarantee that she would cancel whatever dance class she had on my actual birthday and we’d have a blast.

So, what did I learn? The key difference between what I said five years ago and what I would have said to her today is that now, I speak with conviction. I say exactly what I want and make it clear how I’m going to make it happen.

I’m going to keep this mentality regardless of the outcome I get. What if she really couldn’t come along that day? Who cares. I’m going to grab 3-4 friends and enjoy my birthday. Sounds much better than what I actually did: Moping around at home wondering what I could have possibly done wrong.

I’ll never have that one back but I’ve come to terms with it and derived an important life lesson. I don’t need the approval of others to get what I want.

Women have a sixth sense for assessing a man’s conviction and how badly he needs to feel validated. L did a good job of running for the hills as soon as she realized that I didn’t know how to live for myself. I’ve found that women are willing to compromise on many fronts-even looks, money, and social status, but will not tolerate a man living only to appease her.

I hope you enjoyed this story-it was definitely long but I think clearly illustrates what every man needs to do. Decide what you want, move toward it unashamed, and don’t depend on anybody else’s approval but your own. And if things don’t happen the way you planned, learn from any mistakes and move on. I sure did and for that I am the most grateful.

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