Since the /r/bestof post, I’ve been receiving many PMs and emails asking for advice on various things. I thought it might be helpful to post my responses here as well.
One emailer told me that he has a strong athlete, has a great group of friends, works hard, but is super anxious and nervous when talking to girls. He devotes too much attention to them and spends way too much time focusing on them. The following is my response:
Hi [emailer], thanks for writing. I’m glad you have found my blog helpful. The fact that you are an all-star athlete, have hobbies, and a good group of friends already provided you with a solid foundation for you to work off of. Many guys don’t even have that.
It seems like we’re a lot alike. I was one of the best ice hockey players growing up on Long Island. I had tons of hobbies and always kept busy. But when it came to girls and relationships — I was totally lost.
It’s not your fault though. Regardless of the cause, we were conditioned to grow up with a certain mindset. For me, I always held the belief that I had to treat a girl like a princess, prove to her that I’m worth being with, and that the girl held all the power. On top of that, I was socially clueless and didn’t really understand social dynamics.
The most important thing right now is to keep up your hobbies. Put yourself first, above all others. This might seem conceited and jerk-like, but it’s not. You are your first priority. Everyone else can wait. It’s okay to be a little selfish — you’re taking some “me” time. Some cute girl asks you if you can help her with a computer problem? Tell her it’ll cost $50. She doesn’t want to pay? Tell her you don’t work for free and walk off. This example applies to everything. Your time is valuable. You are at no one’s beck and call. Don’t be so available. Be unavailable. When you schedule a date with a girl, tell you are a busy and you will need to find a time that works for both of you, at your convenience. Don’t sacrifice your obligations and your hobbies for any girl. Telling a girl that you can’t hang out with her because you are busy is a good thing. You go out with her when it’s convenient for YOU.
Believe it or not, when you start acting for yourself, people will respect you more. And women will take notice. You’ll start to notice guys who will drop everything because some cute girl needs homework help — and he thinks if he gives a girl gifts and does all this shit for her, that he’ll have a chance. No. Instead, she’s hooking up with the guy who told her, “No can do. I got other priorities.”…and a girl will plead and beg and do everything to break your wall down. You hold STRONG. You hear? Your wall stays up because you’re a man.
Now onto the reason why you feel super anxious when you’re going to talk to a girl. You feel this way because you have given this girl more value than yourself. You have given her power over you. Why? Whoever this girl is, she is not better than you. Just because she is a girl, does not mean that she is a more valuable person. When you see a girl you are completely not attracted to, do you feel this way? No of course not. So why should you feel any different when talking to a girl you are attracted to. Her beauty does not make her a better person than you. She just got lucky in the gene pool — that’s it.
You need to start approaching women with a different mindset. You are talking to her to see if she is worth dating you. Not the other way around. You’re a fucking all-star athlete. She should be proving her worth to YOU. Combine these sentiments with the focus of avoiding neediness and seeking validation. I’m assuming you read these posts because they were featured in the sidebar of the subreddit. Those two elements are extremely important to avoid.