I see the world very differently now than I did two years ago. Two years ago, I was a wreck. And it’s interesting for me to reflect back on the kind of warped world view I possessed. But that was then and this is now. As I go through life, I come across men who hold the same world view that I did two years ago. Whether I encounter them in person, or hear about some guy who a girl I know has gone on a few dates with, these men are everywhere. I was one of them.
We got this new intern at work — a programmer who just completed his Junior year. He works directly for me and I provide him a list of goals and tasks to accomplish. He’s a little above average height, definitely nerdy, skinny, socially awkward — pretty much fits the bill for a comp sci student stereotype. Everything about him is “soft” and “gentle”. He walks with hunched shoulders, not with authority. My partners and I almost didn’t hire him because we prefer to have alpha males in the office. But he’s an intern so we can’t really have high expectations. I honestly believe that lack of confidence can negatively impact your performance at your job regardless of how much knowledge you have. This intern is a very hard worker. He puts in the effort and you can tell he cares about the work (this is hard enough to find in an intern altogether). Yet, he has absolutely no confidence in his abilities and he has a high need for approval when he completes a task successfully. Even the simplest of programming tasks that I give him, he always asks me which method is the best approach. He constantly self doubts his work. When I give him a more challenging task, he doesn’t trust himself that he can come up with a good solution. It’s as if he is entirely reliant on me — defeating the purpose of having an intern in the first place since I have my own shit I need to get done.
I suppose I’m just venting here, but it’s annoying when I have to deal with people of low confidence. They hold others back. It’s time consuming and it’s exhausting. When the intern completes a task, he is always like, “Did I do a good job?” Sometimes I will give him his validation, and sometimes I won’t. But I want someone to work for me who never needs to ask that question. All it does is display neediness and lack of confidence. I want someone to work for me who says, “No, there must be a better solution. Let’s hash this one out.” My word as a programmer is far from the word of God. I need someone who can challenge me. I need to surround myself with people who think they are awesome at what they do. I stress the word think. I used to believe that we needed wizard programmers, but now I feel this is not true. What we need are hard working, confident programmers instead. If you have a room full of alpha males (or alpha females), then everyone will be fighting for their idea. Everyone will be forced to defend and justify their idea. Let the best idea win out. If I surround myself with beta men, then the only idea that will win out is my own. And that is bad for the company. Beta men are better suited for the ‘do as you’re told’ jobs. Not jobs that require decision making.
This post probably sounds cold-hearted, but I have to get this off my chest.
Another instance is from Saturday, when I made out with the girl from this post. Between make-out sessions, she was telling me about this Nice Guy who has known her for like two years. From the way she described it, it seemed like a classic Nice Guy scheme. He befriends her. Always there for her. Talks to her for hours all the time. Buys her things. Treats her like God’s gift to the world. Tries to “cuddle” with her whenever they spent nights over each other’s houses (ultimately making her feel uncomfortable). The guy is a virgin and has become completely dependent on her for emotional support. She gets a boyfriend. He confesses his love for her and pours his heart out. She isn’t interested. Just wants to remain friends. He reacts poorly. She thinks it would be best if they hold off for a while. He loses his shit. Insists that they meet at least once a month or he’ll never speak to her ever again.
A part of me wanted to vomit, but another part of me felt genuine sadness for this guy. Here he is, thinking he is doing the right things to get this girl for years, and here I come — spend a few hours with her and then commence make-out session. And now she is talking about him in disgust, to me. Isn’t it obvious though? This guy is doing everything wrong. He has become so dependent on her, that when that plug got pulled, he didn’t know what the fuck to do. And to try and control her? To give her an ultimatum that she must see him once a month or never talk to him again? Are you serious? Who does he think he is that he can control anybody like that. The need for approval is like a drug for these kinds of people. They need approval from others so badly that they’ll go to great lengths to seek it. It ends up doing themselves a disservice though. Then guys like me come in, and are totally chill, nonchalant, easy-going, flirty, assertive, and not afraid to make moves and it’s a breath of fresh air for these girls.
If you find that your happiness depends on whether or not your crush pats you on the back (figuratively and literally), then you need to unplug yourself and rediscover your manhood. When a girl realizes that she is the one that is responsible for your happiness, you lost. She can never trust you as a man.