Throughout the year, you go through some peaks and valleys. Everyone does. My summer was a peak — it was absolutely awesome. Now all that has come to a close and I’m waist deep in a valley. Today, I had to stop myself and take a deep breath and close my eyes for a few minutes. I’m feeling stressed and overwhelmed.
Besides having a million things to do at work, I have my side project that I’m trying to launch ASAP. I’m in the middle of my final semester for my graduate degree and I have this ridiculous project due two nights ago. My group members, all three of them, don’t speak English and I’m the only one who is a capable programmer so the onus falls on me — again. Just got way too much shit going on right now and I feel like I just want to get up and get away from it all. I want to run away. I won’t. I can’t.
Stepping outside of my mind for a minute I want to observe it from a third person perspective. Perhaps get some clarity.
And then I realize that everything is going to be okay. For real. I am capable of doing everything that needs to be done. All I have to do is set my priorities and tackle one thing at a time. So I’m not going out with my friends this weekend. Big deal. I got shit that needs to get done. I’m going to do it and move on.
What I realize now that — before I began my self improvement track two years ago, I would be frazzled. I wouldn’t know what to do with myself and I’d want to turn everything off. Pull the plug. And that’s what I did.
I don’t know if I was depressed or not looking back on it. I think not. I mean I questioned why I even existed in the world. Like there was no point in being alive. But at the same time I didn’t want to die. The quote from Full Metal Jacket always came to me in those moments.
The dead know only one thing. It is better to be alive.
The problem was though, at my lowest point, I had accepted who I was. I accepted that I would be alone forever because that is all I knew up to that point. That was the reality in which I lived. This is who I am and nobody wants me. That is why I was extremely sad (I won’t say I was depressed because I can’t claim that). I went through life like a zombie. Did my work, watched some tv, scanned some Reddit, go to sleep. Rinse and repeat. Complain about my loneliness, etc.
I had no hope for my future (in terms of relationships). I had resigned that fact. But the reason why I had resigned that fact is because it didn’t even occur to me that there was something I could do to change it. I thought everything was environmental. Join clubs, put myself out there, etc, etc. All that is great, but it’s useless if you don’t get in touch with who you are at a core level. This thought never even entered into my stream of consciousness simply because I didn’t know any better. It wasn’t until I discovered all this self improvement that I realized what I was truly missing out on.
I think that’s how it is for many guys at their low points. They think, “Well…this is it. Better get used to it.” not because they have quit, but because they just don’t know they can do something about it. It’s weird to think about. Or am I the only one?