There is an idea in the Sandler sales method known as “The Upfront Contract”. This is one of the most powerful parts of Sandler. The upfront contract is stated in the earlier part of the call before you begin diving into issues and what not. It works by telling the customer in plain english what the call or meeting will consist of and what they can expect from you, but more importantly — what you can expect from them. And this is the key. In this part, I’ll say to my prospect something like:
Hey, typically at the end of these calls, you will know right away if my product is not a right fit for you. Sometimes I hear people say ‘Oh, I need to think it over’, but really this just means ‘No’. If you find at any point in this conversation at this software doesn’t work for you, you can let me know right then, I promise you won’t hurt my feelings. Are you comfortable telling me ‘No’ if you find this doesn’t work for you?
Okay…Great. And I’ll do the same from my end. If I find at any point that my product is not right for you, I’ll let you know too. No need to waste each others’ time.
This blows prospects’ minds. They never really hear this from salespeople. They’re so used to hearing about wonderful features and benefits that products have to offer that hearing something like this is a bit of a surprise. This is powerful because it sets the framework for your expectations that you will set later on.
So how can we apply the upfront contract concept to dating?
- Figure out what your intentions are with the girl you are dating. What are you looking for exactly? No strings attached sex? Do you want a long term relationship? Is marriage a goal of yours? Children? Really think about the stage you are at in your life and think about your wants and needs. Write them down in a journal or something.
- Figure out what your expectations are from the girl you want to date. Lonely guys seriously lack here, often saying, “Oh I just want a girl who I can cuddle with.” — is that really all you want? She cuddles with you while she goes out and bangs Chads on the side? Does that sound desirable? Remember to put your wants and needs front and center. There is nothing wrong with getting what you want.
- Be clear with what she can expect from you. Are you going to be running off chasing tail at every chance you get? Do you value loyalty? Are you strong in all aspects of your life? Do you maintain high levels of physical fitness? Are you striving to be a leader in your workplace? Are you confident or are you a little bitch? Can she rely on you to be a rock and be secure? As much as you are vetting her during the dating process to see if she is right for you, you need to make sure you are right for her. If you find yourself dating an ‘alpha-female’ who expects you to be the submissive one in the relationship when that is not your true nature…Well, that’s a problem.
Now that intentions and expectations are determined, it is time to communicate this to the woman you are dating in a way that is both attractive and socially intuitive. The specific timing is up for grabs. If you want to bring this up on the first date, sure. If you want to wait until there’s a ‘what is this?’ or ‘what are we doing?’ or ‘where is this going?’ moment, sure. That works too. But when a girl does want to know where the relationship is going. You must set the upfront contract then. Do not lie to her.
Just Hooking Up or She Wants to be Exclusive With You When You Just Want to Hook Up
I like where we’re at right now. We’re two people having fun and enjoying life, but I really don’t see this escalating further than where it’s at right now. If this is something you’re not comfortable with, I completely understand and you can let me know right now.
Looking for a Long Term Relationship (while dating multiple people)
I do desire to be in a long term relationship. And yes, while it is true I am dating a few girls, long term monogamy is important to me. I don’t know what is going to happen, but I do know that is what I am looking for. If this is something you’re not comfortable with, I completely understand and you can let me know right now.
Deciding to Be Exclusive With a Girl
We’ve been seeing each other for a while now and I have stopped dating all the other women I was seeing because I really like you and would like for us to be exclusive. What do you think?
(if she is wishy-washy in her response)
It sounds like you’re not sure. But typically at this point in a relationship, you know if it’s going to turn into something more serious and if someone says “I’m not sure”, it really just means ‘No’. I promise, you won’t hurt my feelings. I’m a big guy. (be confident here, and genuinely don’t be a bitch if she says ‘No’)
(If she says ‘No’)
Alright, thanks for your honestly. At this point I don’t feel like we can continue seeing each other as our goals are not aligned…..”
So the lessons learned here are to be clear and strong in these moments and if the relationship is not right, it’s best to get a ‘No’ early on so as to not waste each others’ time. No hard feelings, just move on.